Yes, o.k., I admit it! I had this problem....well maybe....truthfully.... still might currently have an eensie, tiny version of this problem. It might not be entirely in the past tense. Although, at the time of writing this, it no longer has the strangulation hold on me that it used to.
This problem...Nay, this sickness really! This sickness had been my constant companion for an upwards of 20 years I suspect. A leech that had attached itself to me, sucking the life out of me and feeding off my very soul. An unwanted and mostly invisible associate.
When did it first latch onto me? Well, I cannot say....
It's not that I don't wish to say or that it would be too embarrassing of a memory to share. The fact is I literally cannot remember. For the life of me. It has just, always, been.
The need to people please. Not wanting anyone to be angry with me. Wanting everyone...everyone... to like me!
For them to be pleased with my choices.
Pleased with my style, personality, weight, beliefs, etc.
In the past, one of my worst fears would have been to have someone angry at me and not be able to do anything, anything whatsoever, to change their mind. What a wake-up in the middle of the night, white knuckled, drenched in sweat nightmare! I would've desperately NEEDED them to like me! To avoid that rejection, I would've been willing to change myself to attain that favor that I so desperately wanted, craved and feared losing.
So did you catch that? Did you hear me?!
To change myself!!!
I am not meaning to just change my behavior in a certain way. Nor do I mean changing the way I reacted to something.
No. My meaning is that I allowed myself to buy into the lie (because that is what it was) that it was actually possible to change who I was, deep down in my soul.
The person that God Himself created me to be.
The person that He meant.....when He meant "Me".
Tami.
To attempt to change oneself, in many ways, can be immensely beneficial! Wouldn't you agree? To improve on what was originally good, is....well....good! To strive to exercise more, eat healthier, expand your knowledge in a certain area? These are all 'improvements'; A bettering of the original, if you will. But just because there may be a need for a few minor improvements doesn't mean that the "original" wasn't good! Do you follow?
To think that any of us would need to become a different person, just to fit into someone else's definition of "Me" is a end road; A trail that will always lead to a broken heart.
I suppose that statement seems a bit overly dramatic. "A broken heart." Tami, really? Isn't that over doing it? Oh, but don't you see? If a person truly believes that their "original" wasn't good enough, then their heart has already BEEN broken! Somewhere....someone convinced them that they, at the very core of their soul, wasn't good enough. That they originally were defective in some way.
And at that very moment.....The moment when that wound was inflicted....That is when their heart broke.
And that particular sort of wound can only be healed by one source.
Your designer. Your inventor. Or should I say "The Maker"
When will we get it?!! There are no defective originals out there! If you love a particular type of food, but everyone in your family and possibly everyone on your entire block despises it? Chow down!
What about that crazy, funky pair of reading glasses that people have jabbed at you about? Sport them proudly in public!
Make people stare by occasionally acting a bit too silly at work!
I speak the truth, the world needs more of "You"!
So give it to them. Force it down their throats if need be.
If we were all cookie cutter clones, the imbalance of the world would have been it's own destruction ages and ages ago. There is a desperate need for the "You's" and the "Me's" out there! We cannot give in! Do you hear me?! We must not be assimilated.
Be true to yourself.
Embrace those nuances that make you unique.
Rage against the machine.
Fight against that mocker of originality!
The fear of not pleasing people.
( And if, by chance, you get a few frowns from passers by, then smile....they probably needed a good, healthy dose of originality. )
